When you discover that you are going to be a mother, everything changes for you. At least for me, it did (but I’m sure it does for MOST women). All you care about or even think about is taking care of that tiny life inside of you and keeping them safe.
After my surgery, I was in the hospital for two weeks, on STRICT bedrest…and I mean STRICT (poop in a bedpan strict). I’m sure you can imagine laying in a bed all day long is EXHAUSTING! Especially when you have to rely on everyone else to do things for you. During those first couples of days, I did okay. I was strong. I was a momma on a mission. I was doing what I needed to do to help my daughter. I wasn’t alone; I had BJ, my mom, Monica (my sister), BJ’s Parents (Mando & Rachel), and an ARMY of nurses looking after me. I had my village. My people. They were with me ’round the clock, helping and getting me whatever I needed. I was in great hands.
But after a few days, when everything calmed down and we realized that the scariest moment had passed, everyone had to go back to work & take care of business. Of course, they would come and visit me when they had the time. When BJ had to go back home, my anxiety level went from 0 to 100 instantly. I didn’t know how I was going to survive all the time in between. I freaked out and just kept thinking what if I need something? What if I can’t reach my phone? What if my call button falls and I can’t get to it or call for help? All of these things were running through my head. I know it might seem silly to worry about my phone, but, it was my only way to keep in touch with anyone. If it fell or died and I couldn’t get to my charger, what in the world was I going to do?
God bless my sweet momma for putting up with me. I can honestly say that without her I don’t think I would’ve done as well as I did. She stayed with me EVERY single night that BJ couldn’t be with me. There are not enough words to express my extreme gratitude to her for being there for me. She is an angel. I mean, we all know those hospital sofa beds are not comfortable AT ALL! But she toughed it out all those nights with me & still managed to make it to work at 4 o’clock in the morning the next day.
I was a mess. My hormones had my emotions running wild & all over the place. I remember trying to fall asleep at night and I couldn’t. Instead, I would completely break down in tears because I was so afraid. If you have ever had to stay in the hospital for a long period of time, I’m sure you know just how awful it can be. I know people always say that it’s “the time to relax and get some rest” but…seriously? When has anyone in the hospital ever gotten “rest”? Nurses check on you at odd hours of the day & night and sleeping in those beds is nothing like sleeping on your own, in your own house, surrounded by your own belongings. I absolutely hated it.
I’m going, to be honest with you, if it weren’t for God and my long talks with him (and trust me, they were looonn6./÷≥;’]nggg) I know my spirit wouldn’t have been okay. I felt so alone. Trapped. Don’t get me wrong, I knew EXACTLY why I had to lay in that bed. But it wasn’t easy. No sir, it was no walk in the park. God was testing me and teaching me. In those dark and early hours in the morning, when my mom was at work and my nurses had done their shift change. I would stare at the ceiling for what seemed like (and honestly probably was) hours. Just hoping and wishing that the time would fast forward. After talking with God, praying to and praising Him, I knew I wasn’t really alone. I knew that He was with me.
I still had Scarlett.
WE were doing this TOGETHER.
In those still and quiet hours, I would talk to her. I would wait to feel her move and when she did, my heart felt so full of joy. She was my purpose for being there. Keeping her SAFE was my job. And if my job required me to lay in bed 24/7, then dang it, that’s what I was going to do! God is in control of all things. He writes our stories, knows our hearts and walks us through this life. He is in control of everything, but there was this ONE thing that I could help with and the was laying in that bed. Trying to keep a positive spirit and give all my worries to Him was something I could do too.
Because of that, he blessed me every day. Every morning when I woke up I would thank him for allowing Scarlett and me to make it through another night. When evening came I would thank him for another day & I would ask him for another. For two weeks, he answered my prayers.
Then my whole world changed all over again.
Two days before Scarlett was born, I started bleeding again. I remember my sister and brother-in-law had just left after having dinner with me. I was talking to my sister on the phone (yeah, we are close like that. We talk ALL of the time lol), when something just didn’t feel right. I called my nurse and told her to check on things. She did, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to her. A few calls later she realized I probably shouldn’t have been bleeding so much. The doctors were called in and they did a pelvic exam. They realized my bags of water were still bulging out, but they didn’t want to do anything for fear of causing more harm than good. After a while, they decided it was best to send me back downstairs to L&D (I had been moved to an antepartum floor). So downstairs I went (for the 3rd time). It seemed as though every time I made it another week, they were sending me downstairs because my bleeding would start up again. Up until now Scarlett was never in any distress and seemed content right where she was.
Thankfully that night she didn’t come. It wasn’t until the afternoon of the following day things started happening again. This time my brother had come to visit, and while we were talking I started having these cramp-like pains. I told my nurse about it and she advised me to keep track of them and if they continued to increase I should let her know. (My brother did a better job of keeping track than I did lol) After 3-4 hours of this light cramping that came and went the doctors were called in again. They did an ultrasound and realized I was dilated to a 3 and Scarlett was now facing down, in position to start making her way out. I guess they were in denial or maybe they were hoping I would just stay pregnant a little longer, but they didn’t think anything was going to happen that night. Instead, they gave me some medicine they said would put me to sleep.
Boy were they wrong. Oh so very wrong.